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Archive for the ‘Military Family’ Category

The Myth of More

Posted in Military Family, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 27, 2012| Leave a Comment »

I am often reminded of my mother in the spring.  She loves to be outdoors gardening and tending to the fruit trees on our family farm.  Each March she would take the kids out to the orchard as she pruned the apple trees.  Our job was to pick up the fallen branches and move them to the burn pile.

As a child, part of this was concerning.  Doesn’t this process hurt the tree?  Why would you snip off branches if you want to get more apples?  Wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?  Surely more branches would equal more apples.  It turns out that mother did know best, at least when it comes to apple trees.

Wild trees have strange branch angles that cause limb breaks.  This in turn reduces the number of apples and ultimately reduces the life of the tree.  If apple trees are left fallow, you may only get a bushel of apples every ten years.  And that is bad news if you enjoy apple pie like my family.  If you prune apple trees, they yield more apples, provide apples at an earlier age, and live longer.  It turns out that pruning allows the tree to develop a strong branch framework that will support fruit production.

I fell into the same trap of wrong thinking after my deployment to Iraq.  It was difficult to find the off button and relax.  More time with my friends would help my transition home.  More time at work would help my military career.  More hobbies would help me relax.  More somehow looked better than taking time to prune away the unnecessary distractions in my life and in turn be more fruitful.

Many people fall into the same way of thinking.  “I need to have more.”  “More is better.”  “Bigger is better.”  Perhaps a little pruning will do the trick.  Just make sure that God has the pruning shears.

John 15 reminds us that, Jesus is “the true vine” and His followers are the branches.  These branches are already productive, but God occasionally prunes them back so that they can “bear more fruit.”  While pruning may seem wrong to our earthly eyes, it is the best thing that could ever happen.

Remember that more branches will not equal more apples.  Allow God to shape you into a better fruit producing machine.  Continue to abide in Christ and enjoy the season of life that He brings.

 

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Loving the Unlovable

Posted in Military Family, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 28, 2012| Leave a Comment »

No one can deny that Valentine’s Day is almost here.  You can glance at the calendar, hear a commercial on the radio, or you could just walk through any store for a reminder.  The chocolates, Valentine Day cards, cupid figurines, plush animals, and fragrances are everywhere.

I am often conflicted by Valentine’s Day and the message that it sends.  Perhaps you are in the same boat.

A part of me wants to believe that it is a great reminder for couples to show love and affection toward each other.  Husbands and wives will separate themselves from busy schedules and spend time to reconnect as a couple.  Soldiers and spouses will find a way to share their love and devotion even though they are several time zones apart.  Or that our society will look at the calendar and try to improve the day by practicing compassion to family, friends, and neighbors.

The other part of me feels that love is much more than flowers and a box of chocolates.  Unfortunately, the commercial nature of February 14th does more to cheapen true love than to enhance it.  Do our actions and expectations say that mandatory gifts equal affection?  If so, then we turn love into some kind of transaction or mathematical formula.

Love is certainly bigger than Valentine’s Day.  Love is larger than one day on the calendar.  In fact, it is best found in the Bible.

Jesus loved the rich young ruler even though he walked away in disappointment.  Jesus loved the woman at the well.  A lady so ostracized, she wasn’t allowed to gather water in the cool of the day.  Jesus loved tax collectors, cheats, and swindlers.  He loved children, lepers, and blind men.  In short, Jesus loved the unlovable.  He showed compassion to people who didn’t “deserve” His attention.  He demonstrated a perfect love where no gifts or dinners were required.  This love cannot be bought, only accepted as a free gift of grace.

No matter how you view Valentine’s Day, let us remember that love is much more than flowers and a box of chocolates.  Let us also remember how perfect love has been demonstrated by our Lord Jesus.  May His example guide us to show the perfect love of heaven here on earth.

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The Five Stages of Reunion – When Warriors Come Home

Posted in Military Family, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 19, 2012| Leave a Comment »

Military families and military couples frequently ask how they should reconnect once a deployment is finished.  Families and veterans should keep these five stages in mind.

Preparation.  Service members and families make plans for the return home.  Service members are still deployed, but folks begin to talk about their expectations and wants when they are reunited.  What do you want to eat at home?  Do you want a family get together in the back yard?  Can we take a cruise or take the kids to Disneyland?  Discussions focus on your return home and immediate plans.

Honeymoon.  This is just after the homecoming ceremony when your commander yells, “dismissed”.  The beautiful beginning starts when you get to hug and smooch on your loved ones who were waving signs and flags just minutes earlier.  This is the period when everything is right and perfect in the world.  Service members will go home, kick their feet up, and get some rest.  Relatives and friends are just happy to have their veteran home.  Couples frequently ask family to watch the kids so that they can have a romantic get away the first or second week home.  The honeymoon period can last days, weeks, and hopefully even longer.

Disruption.  This is when challenges starts to appear for families.  Arguments take place and voices start to get louder around the house.  Kids may challenge the order and rules that existed during the deployment because your warrior is back.  They may attempt to divide parents and get what they want instead of following the rules.  Arguments take place over new roles in the home.  The niceness and special attention that couples gave each other during the honeymoon period is now in short supply.  The veteran may be asked to perform an increasing amount of chores and tasks that weren’t important two weeks ago.  There is little or no tolerance in allowing your service member to sleep in each morning.  It’s time to get back to business.

Adjustment.  This is the time when you establish new roles, responsibilities, and goals.  Dad may not know about Friday evening walks at the lake, because this tradition started during the deployment.  Who will pick up the kids from school now that Mom is back?  The kids didn’t help fix dinner before the deployment, but it has been the norm for a year.  Will they continue to prepare meals?  Who will make sure that the kids finished their homework?  Who will tuck the children in bed?  All of these tasks were known during the deployment, but veterans may need to relearn, share, or change some household roles.

New Normal.  This is when changes are still being negotiated and are slowly becoming patterns.  The roles may not be the same as before the separation, but the military family is back in action.  Remember that every deployment is different and the time to adjust will vary also.  Your first deployment was different from your second.  Try not to compare the reunions with each other.

Again, every military couple and family will adjust to reunions in a different way.  But keep these stages in mind when warriors come home.  Soldiers should take the time to rest and relax from that long combat tour.  Don’t sell your leave.  Take it and enjoy the down time at home.  Couples should rekindle the romance that stood the test of time.  Try to catch a Strong Bonds marriage retreat.  And kids deserve some quality time with their warrior as well.  Make each moment count now that your warrior is home.

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The Thirty Day Treatment

Posted in Military Family, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2011| Leave a Comment »

New Year resolutions are a popular topic this time of year and with good reason.  As 2012 arrives, we all get a fresh start on life.  An incredible new beginning where the sky is the limit on what we can achieve.  And while there are no guarantees on what will happen, we all get an opportunity to make 2012 better than last year.

Did you make a New Year’s resolution?  Most folks do.  What will you improve in 2012?  People commonly want to shed some pounds after all those Christmas dinners at work and home.  Some folks resolve to change their diet and eat healthy meals.  Others resolve to exercise more often or visit the gym.  Some decide to give up a habit like smoking, soda pop, or dare I even say it, Starbucks.  Many resolve to spend less money or start a savings plan.  You also hear about folks who resolve to read through the Bible in a year or start a daily prayer time.

Military deployments can also play into the mix.  Military spouses and families often want to make a change before that loved one returns from the combat zone.  Some resolve to paint the downstairs, improve the yard, start a business, or save some money for a welcome home party.    Other resolutions may focus on improving your relationship after a long deployment.

How long will your resolution last?  Studies show that a majority of Americans quit their resolution within four weeks of New Year’s Day.  Our resolutions normally last only one month out of the entire year.  While very disappointing, it’s easy to see how that can happen.  We get distracted.  We miss a couple of work out sessions at the gym.  Or that bag of Oreo cookies was calling your name at the store.  And after a couple of Oreos, carrots and celery just don’t taste as good as they did last week.  Just a few setbacks may convince us to quit our resolution altogether.

We can do better than showing four weeks of devotion to any given task.  When it comes to your service member, don’t give up on your hopes and dreams.  Focus on those projects and strengthening your relationship.  When it comes to God, don’t give Him the thirty day treatment.  He deserves more than one month out of twelve.  Maintain that resolution and build your faith.  The relationship that you build through Jesus will have an impact like no other in your life.

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Christmas Gifts and Christmas Cards

Posted in Military Family, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 20, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Christmas gifts and cards have long been a part of celebrating our Lord’s birth.  Even though Christmas is just a few days away, you can still share the celebration with a deployed servicemember.  Share the season of Jesus by sending an e-card to a veteran’s inbox.  There are multiple websites that make it easy for families and friends to connect.  Find one that is right for you and your loved one downrange.

Holidays are always tough when you’re deployed.  I’ve spent two Christmas holidays downrange.  Each one was difficult.  Reminders from home make a huge difference while deployed.  Take time today and send a Christmas reminder to that Soldier, Airman, Sailor, or Marine who couldn’t be home.  Share to remind them that they matter.  Share to remind them that they are not alone.  Share to remind them about the birth of Jesus, God’s perfect gift to us.

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Surviving Deployments on the Home Front

Posted in Military Family, tagged , , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2011| Leave a Comment »

Life is difficult for military families.  There will be a time when your loved one is called to duty away from home.  Active duty missions come in different shapes and sizes.  They may be for long training exercises that have been on the calendar for a year, an immediate call up to provide support during a natural disaster in another state, or even a deployment on the other side of the globe.  In every case, it means your service member will be gone.  Here are some tips on how you and your family can weather the storm.

Surround yourself with positive friends.  Job just isn’t another book in the Old Testament.  It shows the importance of how we deal with adversity and the power of good friends.  While Job had friends, they were not heavenly focused, nor did they give good advice.  We all need friends who will give support and encouragement (1 Thessalonians 5:11).  While it will be tempting to isolate yourself at home, get out of the house and make time to fellowship.

Create or keep a routine.  Do you have time for that new swimming class?  Are you interested in becoming a volunteer?  It’s okay to add a couple of fun items on your calendar.  Just know your boundaries and stick to your schedule.  Don’t let a deployment disrupt the rhythm of your family.  Maintain your devotion time, morning or night.  Keep the patterns that worked well prior to the deployment.  If you had a family game night on Thursday, then keep it on the calendar even if Dad is gone.  The kids also need that stability and steadiness of a routine.

Stay within the family budget.  Deployments may cause a jump in your income.  Extra money in the checking account is a blessing, but don’t yield to the spending bug.  Talk with your service member about the new income level.  Make a spending or saving plan that will honor God and your family.  Focus on your priorities.  Can you support a local homeless shelter?  Can you pay off the second mortgage or a credit card bill?  Will you need to save for a new vehicle?  Perhaps to want a romantic getaway once the deployment is finished.  Will the funds be available?  Discuss your options as a couple and stick with your plan.

Join or start a Bible study.  You have a great opportunity to strengthen your faith during this deployment.  Is there a topic that you’ve always wanted to study?  Is there a book of the Bible you just can’t make time to read?  You are not alone.  We all have questions regarding God’s Holy Word, so connect with a group of believers and dig in.  Depending on the group you join, this can be another way to connect with military spouses and family members.  Find a church or organization that offers Bible studies to military families as a specific ministry.  They are available.  Some even provide meals and child care.

Decide to strengthen your marriage.  Yes, deployments create long-distance relationships, but you can still connect with your spouse.  Have a communication plan with your spouse prior to departure or once he/she arrives at the new duty station.  Can you communicate once a day or once a week?  What time of day will you communicate?  If you are eight time zones apart, try to respect sleep schedules at home and overseas.  Webcams and video chatting make it easy to see and talk with your loved one while overseas.  These options are not available in every overseas location, but utilize the technology that will work on both sides.  Don’t forget to write either.  Nothing is like getting a letter from home during a long deployment.  It’s a keepsake that service members treasure and can carry in their uniform for frequent reminders of home.

There is no such thing as an easy deployment, but military families can utilize these self care suggestions while your loved one is gone.  Continue to pray for one another and model the love of Christ at home and abroad.

 

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Why is Christmas full of stress?

Posted in Military Family, tagged , , , , , , , on December 7, 2011| Leave a Comment »

It is pretty easy to get lost in the noise and busyness of shopping, decorating the house, putting up Christmas lights, baking, cleaning, making travel plans, attending office parties,  and mailing Christmas cards of course.  Look at anyone’s “to do” list this time of year and the answer seems obvious.  The Christmas season can feel more like a burden than a holiday.  We add to the seasonal stress with our desire to make Christmas “perfect” for our families.  Somehow people have bought into the idea that adding more to the holiday makes it better when the opposite is true.  This time of year is inherently hectic; now add on the stress and strain of being a military family.

You have the stress of being a single parent while your service member is gone.  When things break, you have the stress of repairing the house or finding a reliable contractor.  You have the stress of maintaining a long distance relationship.  You may also have the stress of living on one income.  It’s already difficult to stay sane this time of year, but military families have a greater burden.

Here are a couple of ways to improve your Christmas season.  First, establish boundaries.  These can be on time, finances, activities, school, etc.  Be honest on what tasks are reachable.  Recognize your limits and focus on the truly important things you need to accomplish.  If something is out of bounds, then ask for help from a friend or family member.  Evenings and weekends are limited and easily overcrowded with activities.  Dedicate time to necessary events and people.

Second, make time for those you love.  Christmas is tough when your soldier is deployed.  Make it better by spending time together on the phone, chatting online, sharing pictures, mailing care packages, or saying hello through a webcam.  Make time for your family at home.  Turn off your cell phones and give your gamers a rest.  Call it an electronic fast if need be, but spend time talking to one another eye to eye instead of sending a text message.

Third, focus on Christmas.  This is more than a consumer holiday and reindeer.  It is the celebration of Christ’s arrival on earth.  It is God fulfilling His promise of salvation to the world through Jesus, our Savior.  Angels could no longer stay silent.  Shepherds were blinded by glorious beams of light.  Wise men crossed the desert to worship Him.  And we should continue in these patterns of worship.  Whether it is telling a cashier, “Merry Christmas” or reading the Christmas story to your children, proclaim the birth of Jesus.  Whether it is dropping change in a red kettle or lighting an advent candle, let the light of Christ shine.  Whether it is a work day or the weekend, sacrifice time to worship our new born King.

We all want the perfect Christmas experience this year.  Don’t let the hectic pace of this world blind you.  Remember that the perfect Christmas had nothing to do with presents, cards, or strands of twinkle lights.  The day was made perfect by the birth of Jesus, the Son of God, our Savior and Redeemer.  May His birth continue to give you peace.

 

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