As a pastor and a military chaplain I am asked to perform a flurry of weddings each year. It is absolutely wonderful when a couple wants to tie the knot. I want them to have a strong and beneficial marriage. That is why I require a minimum of four marriage counseling sessions before the big day.
Some couples fall into the trap of spending more time planning the wedding than their married life together. A wedding ceremony can last 20-45 minutes, but the marriage is intended to last for the rest of their lives. In an age when 50% of marriages end in divorce, couples need to build a solid foundation for their marriage to succeed. Making time to strengthen your relationship before you tie the knot, will help it stay tied.
Pre-marital counseling has some distinct benefits for couples. Here are a few reasons you should get marriage counseling before the wedding bells chime:
1. Strengthen communication skills
You can learn how to listen to your spouse and speak effectively with each other. This does not happen by accident. It will take time, effort, and practice. While better communication skills may seem like a catch phrase, couples who learn the skills can resolve issues more quickly and avoid serious fights.
2. Discuss roles and expectations
What will married life look like after the ceremony? Don’t expect this to take care of itself down the road. Now is the best time to discuss expectations. Topics should cover a wide range of issues to give transparency and depth. Who will make the morning coffee? Will you have a joint checking account? Will you be a one or two income household? Does your spouse plan to go back to school? Where will you worship? Marriage counseling is a great place to start or continue the conversation.
3. Identify past relationship problems
We can learn from our past. Discussing past relationships can allow a couple to eliminate destructive behaviors. This time of discovery can show why a past relationship failed and help you build strategies on staying together. It is also important to discuss the role of your family. How and what did you learn about marriage from your parents? There are likely good and bad examples, but this is the time and place to share those lessons. No one is doomed to repeat past mistakes if we identify what went wrong and make a plan for success.
4. Learn how to fight fair
Couples get into arguments. That is a given fact of life. We live in an imperfect world with imperfect people. Verbal fights, arguments, and conflict will happen. I can’t prevent you from fighting, but you can learn to fight fair with each other. Take the time to educate yourself on these skills. Learn what to avoid, how to cool down, and move toward solving the problem as a team.
5. Strengthen your faith
Ecclesiastes 4:12 shares, “a rope of three strands is not quickly broken.” There is incredible wisdom in having God as the third strand in your marriage. Allow His love to surround you, teach you, and draw you closer to your mate. Learn to follow God’s plan for yourself and your marriage. Live within the covenant of marriage. Make faith a priority in your marriage. Worship together and reach new highs through Christ.
6. Build a marriage map
Marriage is a life long commitment. So it is important to discuss where you are going and where you want to be as husband and wife. What should your marriage look like? Marriage counseling allows you to discuss a plan for now and much later in life. Do you want to have children? How many children seem like the right fit for your family? Will someone stay home during that time? Will you continue to have a date night after the baby arrives? Make time to discuss your goals and plans. This is an exciting time to chart out a direction for your future together.
Books and Manuals
While no one likes to talk about homework, I encourage couples to read a book after our first session. It will be the topic of discussion for our second session. My personal favorite is Gary Chapman’s, The Five Love Languages. There are several different marriage workbooks and programs out there. Pastors and counselors may use another device, but take the time to strengthen your faith and your relationship before you say, “I do.”
What homework did you have for marriage counseling? Are there additional books that have helped your military marriage? What books would you recommend to a couple before they tie the knot? Feel free to list your books and suggestions in the comment section.
May God continue to bless you and your marriage.
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God Squad 
Church Confidence Hits an All-Time Low
Posted in News & Commentary, tagged 2012 church confidence, 2012 confidence in religion, 2012 Gallup poll, 2012 Gallup survey, American confidence in organized religion, American confidence in the church, Bible, chaplain, Christ, christian, Christianity, church as a hospital for sinners, Church confidence, church split, confidence in institutions, confidence in the church at low, current events, faith, families, Gallup poll, Gallup survey, god, god squad, Great Physician, hospital for sinners, Jesus, Jesus Christ, looking for a church, looking for a church home, low church confidence, national guard, news, organized religion, poll, record low attitudes on religion, religion, religious, Son of God, spiritual, spiritual hospital, spirituality, survey, why do people leave the church, Why I hate religion and love Jesus, why I hate the church, why people leave the church on July 16, 2012| Leave a Comment »
Each year Gallup releases a “Confidence in Institutions” survey. This year it reveals that only 44% of Americans have a “great deal or quite a lot of confidence in ‘the church or organized religion.'”
Organized religion has ranked at the top of the list from 1973-1985, but now it is tied with the medical system. Bean counters will quickly point out that religion still ranks fourth out of sixteen institutions tested, but that can hardly be viewed as a prize. Bronze medal? Sorry church, you missed it by that much.
After I let the survey results simmer, my thoughts went to people who have been hurt, wounded, and injured by the church. When I hear stories of people searching for a different church home it is always for a reason. Too often families leave a congregation because of strife, bitterness, and conflict. They leave due to splits and infighting. They leave because of hurtful comments and negative attitudes. Unfortunately, the pain can be so intense that many won’t even bother to look for a new church home. Many stop looking or worse yet, stop going. When that is the legacy, why would people express confidence?
I like it when people describe the church as a hospital for sinners. It is the emergency room where we find comfort and peace through Jesus Christ. But this spiritual hospital will have people who are coughing, fever-ridden, and sick. There are varying levels of sickness due to sin. Cross-bearing is a requirement for ministry to occur in this setting. There will be unpleasant people in every congregation, but then again what emergency room doesn’t have someone in need of a physician?
If you are looking for a church home or stopped looking for a solid body of believers, remember that Jesus died for you and all who suffer from the pain of sin. He died for everybody. Congregations are made up of imperfect people who are in need of the Great Physician. Place your confidence in the Son of God and you will never be disappointed.
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